No attacks against Americans in Iraq or Afghanistan were reported today. Additionally, no conflict between Palestinians or Israelis occurred overnight.
Jobs are up by 600%, most of them manufacturing jobs created when employers decided that their quality of goods was suffering overseas, and returned their factories to the the United States.
Pope John Paul II announced today that he is stepping down from his post, citing problems with excessive drooling. He plans to appoint a committee of men and women to choose the next Pope, whom he has directed must be a woman. "There have been female Popes before, but we covered it up, " he said. "Fact is, women are far better at things like this than men are."
Minister FudgePie of India assured NPR listeners that that is his real name.
President Bush resigned today, admitting, "I don't really do anything anyway. Dick runs the show." When asked what his plans were for the near future, Bush replied, "I'm going into rehab."
In a related story, Dick Cheney was indicted on 35 counts of racketeering, 127 counts of money laundering, and other charges too numerous to mention.
Colin Powell announced today that he will not run for President. "I need to get some distance from all this," he told the press.
Microsoft's Bill Gates stunned the world this morning by announcing the end of Windows. "It's a sloppy, ill-conceived bunch of insecure patches, full of security holes. It's in the best interest of Microsoft to quit while we're ahead, before someone sues for damages and wins." The company has no plans for any replacement operating system, and suggests users switch to Linux, Unix, or Macintosh. "Macintosh is a better system, extremely secure, with a better, easier interface all the way around. I tried to make Windows be Mac OS, but I failed," said Gates.
The world's first talking dog addressed the nation today on the Today show. During the Emeril cooking segment, Brownie, a chocolate lab, interrupted the famous chef as he was sitting down to share the finished product with Katie Couric. "Excuse me," said Brownie, "But are you going to eat all that?"
In weather news, a warm front is slated to ease into Alaska and the Yukon, bringing 60 degree highs during the day, and 50 degree lows at night.
