Inktrails from Alaska

Limbo-Land

I've been in limbo for quite some time.

Truck limbo, home limbo, man/mate limbo. Add to this a sort of good limbo, dog limbo, as Stevie's cancer seems to have gone into remission. I'm happy he's feeling better. It's not every day you see a 75 lb. rottweiler/doberman bouncing around the house with a plush stuffed pig in his mouth, not to mention that I thought he was going to be dead soon! Heck, two weeks ago I had to give him morphine on a regular basis, but not right now, thank goodness.

Any way you look at it, though, that's a lot of limbo!

I'm out of truck limbo, and I found a place to live. Now I just have to somehow move this weekend! We'll see. So I may be out of home limbo within a week. There's a minor weather limbo to be considered, in that if it is raining I'll have to rent a covered truck to move, and then there is the helper limbo, where I know I need folks to help lug boxes and heavy stuff out of one cabin into the trucks, and then out of the trucks into the new cabin...I'm taking volunteers with good backs! Apply now! I suggest folks in health insurance limbo not apply.

What to Read, and Why, Part 2

The latest armloads of books brought home from the library have been on Celtic myth and lore, first-person accounts of Native American medicine men, and mysteries.

The reason I read, more than any other, is because I want to know. What is the nature of things? How are we all connected? What is my place in the Universe? Why am I alive now? What has it been like for other people, what have their journeys been like and what did they find out? What clues can I find?

Sometimes I choose books by pure intuition. I love to browse the bookshelves just waiting for something to jump out at me. I have found some of the best books that way.

Other times I look for a particular author and then decide that I'm going to investigate whatever happens to be here under, say the "E"s in fiction.

Sometimes I make use of the card catalogue (which is now actually a computer) and try to find books that relate to keywords (such as "Scottish" and "Folklore"). Then I make a list and go out on safari and find them, picking up likely books adjacent as I go.

I'm currently reading a slew of books by Liz Evans, an English author who writes mysteries starring a spunky woman detective. The character is quite well done, she's human, she has her faults, she has her doubts, quirks, and failings. But she's also quite fearless, especially by American standards. She doesn't carry a gun, for one thing. She goes out jogging just any old time, unafraid. She cares very little what she looks like and so far, after three books, she still has only three outfits!

This character's name is Grace Smith, and I am inspired by her to be less fearful and to seize the day. Even though I read these books mainly for entertainment, I am learning something important from them.

You just never know where you will find the Clues to the Mystery of Life.

Native American medicine men are supposed to have the answers, so it isn't a surprise when I learn something from those kinds of books. Myths and folklore are chock-full of veiled explanations of the Universe.

But don't overlook the mystery set. You never know.

Making "Too Much" Money: The Working Poor

I make too much money. Just waaaaay too much money.

Never mind that I live month-to-month, have been inadvertantly overdrawn twice in the past year, and have to manage my expenses with weekly burnt offerings to the Cash Flow God. Being self-employed has its advantages, but the disadvantage is that you have absolutely no benefits. Zippo. Zilch. Nada.

Of couse there is no way I can afford health insurance. I just try to keep healthy and go to the local clinic that has a sliding fee scale. For the last year, I have actually been able to afford seeing the doctor. But that's all over now.

When I signed in for my appointment I was told that my registration from last year had expired YESTERDAY. Did I want to renew? Well, sure I do, I said.

Then I looked at the sliding fee scale. My income, as much as it fluctuates, is right there at the top, the PAY 100% column.

I buy my clothes at thrift stores. I'm eating ground turkey and ramen noodles for meals these days. If I have one more financial emergency I will be homeless!

Still, I make too much money.

There are many wonderful things about Alaska, but one thing that is NOT wonderful is the way prices are jacked up just, well, just because. An ultrasound that costs $250-$300 in the Lower 48 costs a whopping $860 here. I know. I had to have one last year. I bought temporary insurance the, and I'm still paying off $500 owed to the clinic I went to. (I had to have more than just an ultrasound.)

The feds set up the sliding fee scale. Not the clinic. Their grant demands they cater to people who, for the most part, already qualify for financial assitance from the state.

Meanwhile, a working person like me has to go without healthcare completely. I have to risk becoming a non-working person due to illness (and then homeless, because that's what would happy in short order, and if I survive then I can get health care).

What is wrong with this picture?

We are the only industrialized country in the WORLD that doesn't have a health plan for its people. Folks in Canada consider health care a human right. Damn straight!!!!

And SHAME on the government for enforcing a code that says that people who make barely enough to survive are now suddenly making too much money!!

You wonder if the statistics politicians cite at press conferences are true. The ones in power claim there are fewer people in poverty to make themselves look good, when all they have done is change their definition of what poverty is, so that people like me are now officially NOT under the poverty line. Magic math! Just move that poverty line DOWN! It's incredible! Suddenly there are fewer people under it! Wow!

Fight for a health care plan. It WILL be you, next. Even if you have health insurance, your employer is going to start asking you to pay more and more and more of the burden and before you know it, you will have to pay for the whole thing. For people starting jobs who have pre-existing conditions, such as asthma, as I do, I have heard that employees are being charged for two years on their health insurance before they are allowed to have any expenses related to their pre-exiting conditions. For someone like me, that's the same situation I'm in already! You might as well be self-employed!

Before you know it, you might just be in trouble by making "too much" money. Fight for health care. Your life might just depend upon it.

Smart People?

People have always told me how smart I am. I beg to differ.

Is it smart to keep eating onions when every single time you do, you get gas so bad you don't dare let it out until you get home because Homeland Security might be alerted? And you are in excruciating pain? Is it smart not to realize that onions do this to you until, oh, when you are in your late forties? Perhaps not until TODAY? Even though they've probably done this to you your whole LIFE?

When my son told me that the ABC Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star were the same song, I had to sit down. Damn! How could I have missed that one?

How smart is it to continue to eat Bernie Bott's Every Flavor Beans when you have actually found AND eaten the vomit-flavored one?

Smart people don't continue to chew ice when they have expensive dental work and no dental insurance.

If I was really smart I would have figured out a way to have a poopless dog.

And I would have stepped on far fewer Lego blocks in the dark in my bare feet. Although I did figure out that if I spread Legos underneath the windowsills that it could definitely hinder any would-be cat burglars.

Walking around in the dark has caused me to do any number of non-smart (stupid) things. Stubbing my toe on my sister's metal bed and breaking said toe. Banging shin on chair. Whacking elbow on door frame.

Oh, and when I was a teenager and growing very fast (6 1/2 inches in my freshman year in highschool) I went bounding down the stairs very exuberantly and smashed my forhead right into the stairwell and nearly gave myself a concussion. Stars and little cartoon birdies circled my head.

Later, when I was a senior, I was swimming in a pool with fins on. You can go extremely fast with fins. However, if the side of the pool is painted WHITE you have to be very, very careful because it's almost invisible. Acting in a very non-smart manner, I smashed full-speed into the side of the pool and almost passed out underwater. I managed to drag myself upward by grabbing the side of the pool with my hand and pulling myself up. Had quite the goose-egg right in the middle of my forehead. Oh, yes, and I was ALONE in the pool and no one was home. Not smart!

Saving money often prompts non-smart behavior. Remember that pastrami in the refrigerator that was on sale at Sam's Club? You know, the big two-lb. package that you figured you would use up taking sandwiches to work...only you really didn't get around to making sandwiches for a couple weeks, or more...and now it smells maybe just a teeeeeeeny bit off but gosh it would be a shame to waste it... and there sure are lots of preservatives in it, right? Right. This is definitely not smart behavior, making questionable sandwiches.

So say you don't make questionable sandwiches for yourself. You, yourself don't get to hurling, but you feed it to the dogs and THEY get to hurling all over the house while you are off at work.

Just not smart!

Speaking of hurling, how about this: going back to the same restaurant that made you sick the first time you went there, just to give them another chance? Yes, I did that, and they made me sick twice!

Well shoot, they were really close to work!

How many times have you bought shoes that didn't quite fit? But you bought them anyway? And suffered in them, in pain, for some time before giving up?

Yes, there are so many examples. But let's just say I've done my share of non-smart things.

Movie List

This is the sister list to the book list. I'll add more to it as I have time. I'm putting in both good, bad and so-so movies.

Dead Again Starring Kenneth Branagh and Emma Thompson. This is one of the best screenplays I've ever heard/seen.

Much Ado About Nothing Kenneth Branagh, Emma Thompson, Michael Keaton, and other greats. The best movie of a Shakespeare play I've ever seen. Absolutely delightful.

Life is Beautiful Roberto Benigni. One of the only movies about the Holocaust that I can stand to watch. You would not think a movie about this subject could be funny and charming, but it is. The heartbreak is there, too, but there is enough hope, something nearly all movies lack when dealing with this subject.

Saving Private Ryan Tom Hanks, others. I saw it, made myself watch it, and I never want to see it again. It's a good movie, I suppose, but I wouldn't put myself through it again.

Blazing Saddles Cleavon Little, Gene Wilder, a host of character actors, including Mel Brooks as an Indian speaking Yiddish. One of the funniest movies of all time. The only movie that made me literally fall out of my chair laughing. (And I stuck to the floor of the movie theater, yeecchhhh!)

The Great Dictator Charlie Chaplin, Paulette Goddard. Made in 1940, this is a late but absolutely priceless effort by Chaplin. It has full sound. Chaplin later said that if he had known what horrors were being perpetrated by the Nazis, he would not have made this film. Thank God he did. This film is genius, if you haven't seen it, rent it today and I dare you not to be moved. You might have a double feature with Life is Beautiful. One wonders if Roberto Benigni studied this movie before his made his.

Artificial Intelligence Haley Joel Osment, William Hurt, Jude Law, others. By Steven Spielberg. I swear there was a black and white movie called "David," or perhaps it was a book that built a black-and-white movie in my head as I read it, that this movie is an extension and remake of. Regardless of that, this is an incredible journey that touches on the nature of love, intelligence, soul, hope, the nature of of our essence. Beautifully done. It's very long and worth every minute. Probably the best performance Haley Joel Osment has ever given.

Do You Have One?

For Sale

Used only once, in pretty good condition, still functioning perfectly (damn it), one uterus.

Has produced one red-haired boy, but future production not specifically guaranteed. Ovaries not included.

Will gladly pay shipping.

As I have been approaching the age of The Change, I've been asking my women friends how it has gone for them. "I don't know," they smugly say, "I had mine out."

No kidding. I know only ONE woman my age who still has her uterus! (And all the uterusless woman can still find lost objects! Amazing!) They've all had them removed for one reason or another. I'm not even sure what all the reasons are, but they sure don't miss them. One friend told me, when I asked, "Just tell the damn doctor to take it OUT!" Well, I would, except there's one problem: no insurance. Insured uteruses (uterii?) always get removed. Uninsured uterii are on their own.

When was the last time you saw a woman sitting on a park bench crying her eyes out because she missed her uterus? Her dog, sure. Her boyfriend, yeah. Her job, even, her kids, her dad, but her uterus? No way!

For a minute, let's just imagine that we are walking through the park one sunny afternoon and pass by a woman sobbing her eyes out on a park bench. We sit down underneath a tree behind the bench, out of her sight, but not out of reach of our ears.

"Oh! My uterus! What am I going to do? I miss it so much! The way it used to cramp and bleed! Oh! I wish I could go buy some tampons!" More sobbing. "Oh, GOD I wish I could use some sanitary naaaaapkinnnnnssssss!" She wails and momentarily loses control. "No more going to the doctor and being scraped, no more gummy diaphragms, no more birth control pills that made me look like a hippo! Oh, I'm so sad! How can I live this way? If I don't have the constant pain of the fibroid tumors I just don't know what I'll do! I miss it so much! And I was looking forward to endometriosis! I wanted to have a D&C, just like my mom! Ohhhh, I"m a failure as a woman!"

I'm not using mine. I had my tubes tied decades ago, I'm not married, hell, I'm not even in a relationship. I'm NOT having any more kids. I don't need the bloody thing. You want it? Anyone? Maybe I should put it on eBay.

If only our medical technology were up to Star Trek standards. Then Dr. Crusher could stand in front of me, wave an aluminum box at my abdomen and my uterus would magically disappear. "You'll feel a little pain for a few minutes, but you'll be okay to go resume your duties in about ten minutes, " she'd say.

That's probably the only way I'll be able to get rid of my pesky uterus.

Excuse me, I have to go change a tampon now.

Damn Rain

I hate rain. It's disgusting, drippy, messy, muddy and above all the most depressing type of weather bar none.

You can't take a hike in the rain. Or go fishing (though I've been stubborn enough to do that, it really isn't fun), or do any gardening, or any other outdoor activity. I can't take the dogs for a walk without it being a major mess, they can't stay out in the yard. Whenever I let them out to do their business, I have to wipe them all off again. It drips on your glasses and you have to constantly wipe them off, or take them off every time you get in or out of the car. EVERYTHING you do becomes a total chore because of rain.

We just came out of six months of cold weather. REALLY cold weather. We have paid our dues! We made it through the long dark, with dark days and heaps of snow. The weather shouldn't be pissing all over us. We deserve nice, warm spring days filled with sunshine.

Compared to rain, snow is great. Snow is dry. You can ski, mush dogs, take walks, even, (if it isn't too cold), you can go out on the snow machine, and the SUN comes out brilliantly, even if it is only for a couple hours a day at the darkest times. Whereas with rain the sky is dark all the time, and there is no sun.

I lived for ten years in the Willamette Valley of Oregon, the place the Indians there called "The Valley of the Sickness."

White folks never listen to Indians.

For ten years I suffered under a cloud of grey, with nasty, drizzly, non-stop rain. It made moss grow in the lawn, on the roof, all along the rubber in my car. It made mildew a constant pal on every wall. You end up with strange fungal growths on your skin. I remember summers that were two weeks long, and maybe 85 degrees, before the rain came back and smothered us again. I've gone numerous times for six months at a stretch without seeing the sun. It was like a horror movie that never ended.

I hate rain.

I swear I've got Post Traumatic Rain Syndrome. Ever since I experienced the Williamette Valley, when it clouds up for a few hours, I get a little nervous. When the clouds remain a whole day and a whole night, I get downright antsy, and when I wake up the next day and it's still horizon to horizon grey, I feel that life is hopeless and I'm FURIOUS. I've had enough rain. I've paid my dues over and over again and have been punished with the lack of sun. ENOUGH.

This Land of the Midnight Sun is not playing fairly. People keep saying, "Oh, this is odd, we usually don't get rain like this." But this is what folks have been telling me about the weather ever since I moved here! No matter what is happening, it's "odd" and an "anomaly" and it "usually isn't like this." That's what they told me when it rained for the entire month of August and most of September, last year.

This is NOT the Pacific Northwest, nor is it coastal Alaska (where there is a rainforest ecology---and they can have it). This is the Interior, where it's supposedly dry.

Look, I don't care about "we need the moisture" and all that crap. I'm not taking the big, PC, ecological view here. Screw that. This isn't about being rational, it's about hating rain! I don't hate precipitation, I just hate RAIN! We should get our precipitation in snow and that should be that. Period! Goddess has spoken!

The forecast for the next week is rain. For the next week.

Wednesday Morning

I'm trying to fix my mind on what I have to do today. It isn't cooperating very well. Stress levels in my life are like tides, they wash up and bury me up to my neck, up to my nose, up to my eyeballs and I think I'm going to drown. Then they recede again for no apparent reason. And return again to repeat the cycle.

This isn't hormones.

Well, it might be that hormones have something to do with it, but that's not the whole story. If you count up the stress factors in my life, the total would be truly impressive. The fact that I can keep my head above the stress tides at all is a credit to my coping skills.

Though I think I could do better. I always think I could do better.

Okay, here's the list:

1. My best friend, Stevie the Dog, is dying of cancer.
2. Born Again Transmission ruined my truck and tried to cheat me out of several thousand dollars. I had to sell the truck for salvage and lost over $3000 in the process, and ended up with no vehicle at all. I might add another stress to my life and take these assholes to court.
3. I moved 4,000 miles to be with a man who courted me for six months, seemed extremely happy with me, and who now won't commit and is acting very, well, wishy washy and extremely difficult after a year and a half. I deserve better than this, damn it.
4. Living in a small cabin with someone you love who is being wishy washy and extremely difficult resulted in not being able to eat or sleep, and to survive I had to move out. I don't know where I'll be able to find a place to live, and I have to find somewhere by the 27th of May.

For a while I thought I was going to end up homeless on the street with a dying dog, a firecracker dog, and not even a vehicle to sleep in. I can see the headlines now:

Woman and Two Dogs Found Dead Under Chena River Bridge An unidentified woman was found dead yesterday morning by Fairbanks police. Cause of death appears to have been massive mosquito attacks. "There wasn't a drop of blood left in any of them," said Officer Brown.

I am happy to report that I solved the vehicle problem yesterday, and bought a used 1990 Nissan pickup that runs like a top. Good old (Un)Affordable Used Cars managed to wangle a decent loan for me, so you won't see headlines like that in the near future. And of course my friends wouldn't refuse me a place to sleep, but you have to wonder about those folks living under the bridge! I think they survive because mosquitos can't live on blood that is 50% Mad Dog 20/20.

Let's just hope the boyfiend (no typo) gets his head sorted out, and that I find a good place to live. Also, that Stevie maintains for a while longer, and only gracefully and not painfully declines. I'm going to miss him terribly. It sure would be nice if that man would step up to the plate, put his arms around me and say, "Gee honey, don't worry, I know it's hard but you still have me." But he's not able to do that. All the other stuff I could deal with if I didn't have to do it all ALONE. But that's the way it is, unfortunately.

I'm doing what I can, the Universe has to do the rest. I'm just going to wait and see what happens.

Webs of Friendship

As I drove up the Old Nenana Highway the sun lit up the aspens and I felt the sky opening above my head. This was so different from the white spruce forest where I've been living. The sunshine penetrated between the bare trees, bouncing off the white trunks and filling the world with light.

I like this, I thought.

I missed the turn to the driveway, and had to drive another half-mile before I could turn the Humongomobile around without fear of being T-boned by some fool in a Subaru or Jeep. I'd already pulled over for two such tailgaters. Once you know the roads in Alaska, you drive them as fast as you can. At least, that's how most people drive here.

The driveway was steep and deeply rutted, with a little runoff "creek" doodling down the side, and sometimes through the middle of it. The ruts were very soft and about a foot deep. I threw the Humongomobile into 4L and growled uphill at about 5mph. I parked by a nice, tall house up in the trees, and walked past a little girl who was talking very seriously to a banty chicken. I asked her were her parents were and she said, "In the house."

After several bangs on the door, it opened and at one look at the woman I somehow knew she was someone connected to me and my boyfriend. He used to live on a homestead near Denali, and the folks who have lived near each other in those kinds of situations get to be very good friends. They never forget each other, no matter that they no longer live in the wilderness. When your neighbor could be the difference between life and death, in the case of a physcial emergency, or in the winter, a mental one due to the long dark, you value those folks in a way few would understand. Connections are forged. Each person has a line of light that is connected to all the other lines of light. As one person moves, the web moves with them, and the rest of the folks on the web feel it.

I have friends like this, and I have friends who have broken the web. Breaking the web is extremely painful. I don't recommend it.

As I walked across the property with the husband, I found myself hearing the name of a friend who is a legend among those in the web. I heard my boyfriend's name, too. It wasn't an aural hallucination, I don't know how to describe it, really. I wasn't trying to tune in, though I can do that. I was trying to be polite, and just let things unfold as they came. I'll admit, my receiver is extremely sensitive (I've been accused of "reading thoughts" countless times) and I wasn't really trying to tune in. Instead, it was like their radio was turned up very LOUDLY. "LEONARD!! LEONARD!!" it yelled. "LEONARD!! LEONARD!!"

In the meantime we were having a discussion about the aging of dogs, and other chit chat.

And still it kept up, "LEONARD!! LEONARD!!" A similar query regarding my boyfriend would pop up occasionally, too.

We reached the cabin that I'd come to take a look at and went inside. It was very nice, and I told him right away I wanted to rent it. We poked around the grounds a bit, and then headed back to their house up on the hill so that I could fill out an application. I decided that I wasn't going to say anything about my boyfriend or Leonard, because what if I was wrong? They'd think I was nuts!

I filled out the application, and put my boyfriend's name in the appropriate spot, thinking that they'd see it and say something. But the husband didn't look at the application until after I left. No revelations were forthcoming. Maybe I was right, maybe I was just crazy after all...

When I got back to the cabin, my boyfriend immediately said that I'd just been to see friends of his from the homestead days. I had told him NOTHING except I'd been to see a cabin up on a south-facing hill and the general area.

You see? You jiggle those webs and everyone all along the line can feel it! Until that moment I didn't know that they knew each other, but I sure as heck felt it!

My boyfriend lost his address book a winter ago, and it was never found. Inside that book was the phone number of his friends I'd just been to visit. So we added that number into his new book.

Whether I move into that cabin or not, I consider my mission accomplished.