For Sale
Used only once, in pretty good condition, still functioning perfectly (damn it), one uterus.
Has produced one red-haired boy, but future production not specifically guaranteed. Ovaries not included.
Will gladly pay shipping.
As I have been approaching the age of The Change, I've been asking my women friends how it has gone for them. "I don't know," they smugly say, "I had mine out."
No kidding. I know only ONE woman my age who still has her uterus! (And all the uterusless woman can still find lost objects! Amazing!) They've all had them removed for one reason or another. I'm not even sure what all the reasons are, but they sure don't miss them. One friend told me, when I asked, "Just tell the damn doctor to take it OUT!" Well, I would, except there's one problem: no insurance. Insured uteruses (uterii?) always get removed. Uninsured uterii are on their own.
When was the last time you saw a woman sitting on a park bench crying her eyes out because she missed her uterus? Her dog, sure. Her boyfriend, yeah. Her job, even, her kids, her dad, but her uterus? No way!
For a minute, let's just imagine that we are walking through the park one sunny afternoon and pass by a woman sobbing her eyes out on a park bench. We sit down underneath a tree behind the bench, out of her sight, but not out of reach of our ears.
"Oh! My uterus! What am I going to do? I miss it so much! The way it used to cramp and bleed! Oh! I wish I could go buy some tampons!" More sobbing. "Oh, GOD I wish I could use some sanitary naaaaapkinnnnnssssss!" She wails and momentarily loses control. "No more going to the doctor and being scraped, no more gummy diaphragms, no more birth control pills that made me look like a hippo! Oh, I'm so sad! How can I live this way? If I don't have the constant pain of the fibroid tumors I just don't know what I'll do! I miss it so much! And I was looking forward to endometriosis! I wanted to have a D&C, just like my mom! Ohhhh, I"m a failure as a woman!"
I'm not using mine. I had my tubes tied decades ago, I'm not married, hell, I'm not even in a relationship. I'm NOT having any more kids. I don't need the bloody thing. You want it? Anyone? Maybe I should put it on eBay.
If only our medical technology were up to Star Trek standards. Then Dr. Crusher could stand in front of me, wave an aluminum box at my abdomen and my uterus would magically disappear. "You'll feel a little pain for a few minutes, but you'll be okay to go resume your duties in about ten minutes, " she'd say.
That's probably the only way I'll be able to get rid of my pesky uterus.
Excuse me, I have to go change a tampon now.
