I'm trying to fix my mind on what I have to do today. It isn't cooperating very well. Stress levels in my life are like tides, they wash up and bury me up to my neck, up to my nose, up to my eyeballs and I think I'm going to drown. Then they recede again for no apparent reason. And return again to repeat the cycle.
This isn't hormones.
Well, it might be that hormones have something to do with it, but that's not the whole story. If you count up the stress factors in my life, the total would be truly impressive. The fact that I can keep my head above the stress tides at all is a credit to my coping skills.
Though I think I could do better. I always think I could do better.
Okay, here's the list:
- My best friend, Stevie the Dog, is dying of cancer.
- Born Again Transmission ruined my truck and tried to cheat me out of several thousand dollars. I had to sell the truck for salvage and lost over $3000 in the process, and ended up with no vehicle at all. I might add another stress to my life and take these assholes to court.
- I moved 4,000 miles to be with a man who courted me for six months, seemed extremely happy with me, and who now won't commit and is acting very, well, wishy washy and extremely difficult after a year and a half. I deserve better than this, damn it.
- Living in a small cabin with someone you love who is being wishy washy and extremely difficult resulted in not being able to eat or sleep, and to survive I had to move out. I don't know where I'll be able to find a place to live, and I have to find somewhere by the 27th of May.
For a while I thought I was going to end up homeless on the street with a dying dog, a firecracker dog, and not even a vehicle to sleep in. I can see the headlines now:
Woman and Two Dogs Found Dead Under Chena River Bridge An unidentified woman was found dead yesterday morning by Fairbanks police. Cause of death appears to have been massive mosquito attacks. "There wasn't a drop of blood left in any of them," said Officer Brown.
I am happy to report that I solved the vehicle problem yesterday, and bought a used 1990 Nissan pickup that runs like a top. Good old (Un)Affordable Used Cars managed to wangle a decent loan for me, so you won't see headlines like that in the near future. And of course my friends wouldn't refuse me a place to sleep, but you have to wonder about those folks living under the bridge! I think they survive because mosquitos can't live on blood that is 50% Mad Dog 20/20.
Let's just hope the boyfiend (no typo) gets his head sorted out, and that I find a good place to live. Also, that Stevie maintains for a while longer, and only gracefully and not painfully declines. I'm going to miss him terribly. It sure would be nice if that man would step up to the plate, put his arms around me and say, "Gee honey, don't worry, I know it's hard but you still have me." But he's not able to do that. All the other stuff I could deal with if I didn't have to do it all ALONE. But that's the way it is, unfortunately.
I'm doing what I can, the Universe has to do the rest. I'm just going to wait and see what happens.
