Village Flamer
I recently left two mailing lists. I’d enjoyed being on one of them in particular, which was all about living in Alaska. It had members that ranged from lifelong Alaskans to ignorant doofi (plural of doofus?) who didn't know that we don't live in igloos. As all lists do, it had its ups and its downs, its nice folk and its curmudgeons. There were points where I could have been accused of the latter, when I interrupted the incessant starry-eyed romanticism of prospective Alaskans with information about what it’s really like to live here. (You can’t pet the moose. Yes it's icy outside, or in the summer, there are a million blood-sucking mosquitoes, but you go out anyway, etc...) But for the most part the folks were nice, friendly and I hope to see some of them around town. For the most part, that’s the operative phrase here.
The thing about large mailing lists is that they are a sampling of the general computer-owning population. And that’s a huge group. This list has over six hundred people, most of whom don’t post. That’s about the size of a small village. Psychologists say the human brain is capable of recognizing and remembering about five hundred faces, which is why small towns are more comfortable for us in some ways. It’s wired into us. It’s also why you can remember a face, but not a name all the time. Names are on the opposite side of the brain from the faces. It’s easier to recognize the face than to connect it up with the name that has to be dragged, kicking and screaming from the left side of your brain where it has snuggled down for hibernation. Musicians have the same problem with music. Either you can remember how the tune goes but not the name of it, or the title but not how it goes. Maybe the next step in evolution will be an enlargement of the corpus collosum. It’s certainly needed!
Mailing lists are the new small villages of modern times. We like to assume that our friends are there. There is a tendency to forget about the 555 lurking members, any of whom could be sauteeing their neighbor’s cat right now. Or their neighbor, for that matter. No, people blithely see what they want to see, and they see about fifty folks gabbing away just like they grew up together all in the same clique. “I want you to be safe, so you are,” is their attitude. Unfortunately that doesn’t work. It’s exactly why pedophiles troll the chat rooms. You can be anything or anyone you want to be on the internet.
I’ve seen people build themselves up as if they are superman or superwoman, and then you meet them and realize hey, this person is really a bar fly, or a poser. Some folks are great at talking a healthy, positive lifestyle up online and then you find out they are chain smokers and drink for recreation. Real life generally contradicts what people put out about themselves. Which is why internet dating is so unsuccessful!
Within that five to six hundred person group on a mailing list, there are bound to be a wide spectrum of ages, politics, geniality and psychological makeup. Every village has its idiot, but the Forrest Gumps of the world don’t generally use computers. However I am sure that every town has its nasty, backbiting flamer. Certainly every email list does. It’s just a matter of time before your list poops out that one person who will send vicious emails attacking you or someone else on the group.
I hung in there when the first flamer was revealed. This person was and remains a master at presenting a heroic and charismatic front, when in reality his life is a study in paranoid, controlling behavior. I started getting emails from this guy, accusing me of this and that and all sorts of really out there stuff and having an agenda against him. I had said absolutely nothing negative about this person, but he was the kind of guy who assumed that what I said had some other meaning, some sly, mean objective, because that’s the way he was himself! He could not believe anyone was really honest or non-manipulative, because he thought everyone was like him. Come on, he’d seem to be saying, admit you are scheming against me, you have to be, there's no other way to be. Oh, and this person turns out to be a neighbor, too, lest you think "Oh, no one in ALASKA would act like that!" HA! Think again!
Woe betides the person who attracts the attention of a person like this. Be prepared for all sorts of accusations of plots and manipulations. You could be an Eagle Scout and an astronaut and a fireman and an All-American Mom all at once and still this person would accuse you of trying to destroy him or her or being an agent of KAOS. And he or she won't be as funny as Maxwell Smart.
I almost left the list when this person started emailing me offlist, but luckily he left the list and peace returned. For a while.
Then recently another of the same sort appeared, once again making wild accusations that could not even be taken seriously. This person attacked with an even more concentrated hate. Okay, that’s it. I’ve had enough. Life is too short for this bullshit.
If you want to be online and talk to people in chat or on a mailing list, sooner or later the Crazy Paranoid person is going to surface. Just block him/her and move on. And above all, remember: THEY are the crazy people, not you! Don’t take it seriously, block that person from your inbox and move on. It’s not useful to try to talk reason to people like this. It just gives them a reason to send you lots more hate mail. They love it when you engage them! That’s what they want, attention for their insanity and you are playing right into their paranoid fantasies if you write to them.
Block them and stay on the list or in the chat if you want to keep in touch with the nice folks you’ve found. Or just leave the whole thing.
When on a mailing list, and in life in general, I follow Johnny Cash's best piece of advice. I "keep my eyes wide open all the time." It keeps me from tripping!
Take a walk, play with the dog! Bake some bread! You’ve got a life, remember! The flamer doesn’t. Be glad you do.
