Last Thursday I went down to Pioneer Park (which used to be called Alaskaland, a much better name, in my opinion) for our regular Celtic jam. Last week was the Golden Days celebration that went on for a week or so. It's something the Chamber of Commerce throws every year and there is plenty of hoopla and entertainment. Thursday the park was full of tents and people. The big tent right in front of the builiding where we usually jam was conducting a Battle of the (horrible) Bands.
The bands, mostly composed of 19-yr-old males (the world's most dangerous denizens, you parents know what I mean), were attempting heavy metal, as far as I could tell. Tuning instruments didn't seem important, much less even knowing how to play them. Reminded me of Bill & Ted's Wyld Stallions....only LOUDER. It was so loud that most of the adults who didn't have to be in that area, WEREN'T. Dire screaming and banging and clumsily-played guitar pushed everyone with ears out of the area.
Except....
If you walked about 100 feet and stood between the Battle of the Horrible Bands tent and the Dance Hall, you would hear the square dance caller with his microphone turned way up in order to be heard over the cacophony. And the way he was calling was just.............wrong.
I heard him say, "Okay folks, let's see now, what do we have......" And then he put on a karaoke version of "Five O'Clock World" and proceeded to sort of sing the lyrics but with square dance instructions inserted in just some places.
You remember this song from 1965?
Up every mornin' just to keep a job
I gotta fight my way through the hustling mob
Sounds of the city poundin' in my brain
While another day goes down the drain (yeah, yeah)
But it's a five o'clock world when the whistle blows
No one owns a piece of my time
And there's a five o'clock me inside my clothes
Thinkin' that the world looks fine, yeah
(SCAT: oh-de-lay-ee-ee, etc )
Now that you have your memory refreshed think of some guy doing it this way....
Up every mornin' just to keep a job
Now spin that lady through the hustling mob
Sounds of the city poundin' in my brain
Hand her off and start a chain (yeah, yeah)
But it's a five o'clock world when the whistle blows
Trade 'em off and get in line
And there's a five o'clock me do a do-si-do
Swing 'em now the world looks fine, yeah
Thank God he didn't do the scat singing part...
All I can say is that you can't do square dance to Five O'Clock World. There ought to be a law. It's just WRONG. The Battle of the Horrible Bands hurt my ears, but that guy calling square dances to "Five O'Clock World" hurt my brain. It's like one of those yucky scenes in movies you wish you'd never watched because now it is in your head, for instance when Anthony Hopkins ate part of Ray Liotta's brain in one of those Hannibal movies. Some bad pop songs can eat your brain. Bad pop songs with old guys sing-songing their lyrics only revamped for square dance....that's nightmare material!
Between the Horrible Bands and the 60's Pop Square Dance I wanted ear plugs. Only one person showed up for the jam that night so I was spared having to find a place for us to play where we didn't have to listen to either one! And that was a GOOD thing!
