I just bought some new checks online. I find most of the checks at the bank boring and expensive, and besides, when the new checks arrive in my mailbox, they come with valuable coupons!
Of course I need MORE checks so they send me an offer for business checks. Wait, hey, stupid! I just bought checks! I don't need any more checks! I got two boxes and it will take me years to go through that many checks as it is! But no, they want me to know I can buy huge business checks that you have to lug around in a huge binder. Now that's what I call convenience.
Then there are the return address labels. Like I need to order more of those, given that every charity in the country sends me loads of them for free. I have Nature Conservancy labels, World Wildlife Fund labels, Audubon labels, North Shore Animal League Labels and so many more. I have an entire drawer filled with address labels!
What I really need is a personalized teddy bear. Especially made for me in China from toxic materials! Yay!
My life will be much more secure if I order a "Footprints in the Sand" diamond ring. Not only is it ugly, but it only costs $37.50! Plus five bucks to send it. WOW, a diamond ring for only $37.50! Sterling silver with plated 24 carat gold, oh yes, that's going to last! And those diamonds, you can't even see them in the huge, enlarged picture on the coupon...
Of course it's a good idea to buy "Presidential Dollar" coins that are "Layered in Pure 24-Karat Gold." Oh boy, I want something that has a LAYER of gold on it. Something at least a couple microns thick.
My life will NOT be complete until I buy a box of rocks. Presumably so that I can prove that I'm smarter than it is. And each rock will cost ONLY $1.95 each! All guaranteed to be "Minerals of the Earth!" One can't be sure when all those minerals might become rare, so we all better start collecting them now, just in case.
"Help, I've fallen and I can't get up!" Do I need this thing? Not yet, by cracky!
By the time I need the Life Alert (when I've fallen and I can't get up) I'll also want that wig catalogue that looks so sexy. They are so high class, it's obvious by their slogan: "Only you'll know it's a wig!" It's amazing how the same big-nose woman can look just like herself even though she's tried on six different wigs!
No one's kitsch collection would be complete without the 50th Anniversary Limited Edition of ELVIS Collector coins. "Each limited edition count is a Brilliant Uncirculated Tennessee State Commemorative Quarter...incredibly color enhanced..." WOW, real quarters someone has painted! Golly, I gotta get me sum of these and save 'em furever! Let's see, five quarters for ONLY $9.95 PLUS $4.95 shipping and handling. So I think I got me a gud deal at $14.90 for $1.25 worth of quarters, don't you! But they's ELVIS! And they's in CULLER!
At last we come to the most tempting of all the offers, at least the most tempting to me. The World's Greatest Books, with a FREE real wood bookshelf, and I get my first three books for only $1.95! Of course these ARE the World's Classics, and it doesn't matter that they are only a couple inches tall. I definitely want a cheap little rack full of teeny books poorly printed in China, with "gold patterned covers," and "select ivory-colored paper." I definitely NEED all the little teeny books I can get! My house is very small, this might work out pretty well. After my first three books for $1.95 arrive, (for 95¢ postage) I can easily agree to accept three more each month, at only $7.95 EACH BOOK, plus $1.99 shipping for EACH BOOK. YES, I definitely want Alice in Wonderland and A Christmas Carol and Huckleberry Finn in teeny tiny book form! They didn't say how many books they had, they just said they'd keep coming every month... No need to send money now, just send in the coupon and I'm READY. Woo hoo!