Some are old, some not so old, but all are fairly simple, and THEY CRACK ME UP! I have been accused of having a corny sense of humor, but I say, a sense of humor of any sort is better than none at all!
The following joke was told to me by my son, and I've never heard or seen it anywhere else. I think it is my favorite joke of all time.
Two rural Scots were discussing their sons, and decided they both
had incredibly stupid progeny. So stupid, in fact, that a contest was
devised to see who had the stupider son.
The first father calls, "Ian, here's ten pounds, go to town and buy me a new car." And never questioning the the amount of money, Ian sets off to town.
The two fathers look at each other, and the second one says, "Oh, I can top that!" And he calls his son. "Donald, come here!"
Donald comes in and his dad says, "Donald, go down to the pub and see
if I'm there." "Sure, Da!," says Donald and off he goes.
The first father concedes that Donald is indeed, the stupider son.
But meanwhile the two sons meet each other on the path, Ian coming
home, and Donald going out.
Ian: Can you believe how stupid my Da is? You can't buy a car for ten pound!
Donald: That's true, but my DA is stupider. He sent me to the pub to
see if he's there, when he could have easily just called them up on the
phone instead!
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Why do ducks have flat feet?
To stamp out forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.
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Two cannibals were eating a clown. One turns to the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?"
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Late one night, after a good gig, an accordion player pulled up to a restaurant and went in for a bite to eat. He was very hungry and quickly locked his car, his mind on food. Once inside, he ran into a friend and they began visiting, and before he knew it, he'd been there a couple of hours. During a lull in the conversation he slapped his forehead, saying, "Oh my God, I left my accordion in full view in the back seat!"
They both rushed out to the parking lot but it was too late. The back window was smashed, and there were now TWO accordions on the back seat.
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Why did the elephant step on the marshmallows?
So he wouldn't fall into the hot chocolate.
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A student at an English university, by name of Donald MacDonald from
the Isle of Skye, who was living in the hall of residence in his first
year there. After he had been there for a month, his mother came to
visit, no doubt carrying reinforcements of oatmeal. "And how do you
find the English students, Donald?" she asked. "Mother," he replied,
"they're such terrible noisy people! The one on that side keeps banging
his head against the wall, and won't stop. The one on the other side
screams and screams and screams away into the night!" "Oh, Donald! How
ever do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English
neighbours?" "Mother, I do nothing, I just ignore them! I just stay
here quietly playing my bagpipes!"
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How do crazy people get through the woods?
They take the psycho path.
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Somewhere in Scotland.. A woman is looking to re-enter
the work force, now that her kids are all grown up. But before applying
anywhere she goes tae the doctors' fae a wee physical before takin' oan
a new joab. When she returns her hubby notices she's just bustin' wi'
pride and all chuffed.
So he said; "What's all this about?"
She said, "I've just been tae the doctors' and he said I've got the body of a twenty year old, and the heart of a 16 year old".
To which her hubby fired back..."What about your 50 year old ass?"
"Your name never came up." She replied.
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The tomato family were taking a walk, Mama Tomato, Papa Tomato, Sister Tomato and the youngest, Brother Tomato. Papa Tomato was getting more and more irritated at Brother Tomato because he kept lagging behind, and lagging behind. After a bit Papa Tomato had had enough, and he walked back to where Brother Tomato was and stamped on him, saying, "Ketch-UP!"
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Sandy was drinking at a bar all night. When he got up to leave, he fell
flat on his face. He tried to stand again, but to no avail, falling
flat on his face. He decided to crawl outside and get some fresh air to
see whether that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and,
sure enough, fell flat on his face. So he
crawled all the way home.
When he got to the door, he stood up yet again, but fell flat on his
face. He crawled through the door into his bedroom. When he reached his
bed, he tried once more to stand upright. This time he managed to pull
himself to his feet but fell into bed. He was sound asleep as soon as
his head hit the pillow.
He woke the next morning to his wife shaking him and shouting, "So, you've been out drinking as usual!"
"Why would you say that?" he complained innocently.
"Because the bar called and you left your wheelchair there again!"
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What's worn under the kilt?
Nothing's worn, everything is in perfect working order!
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The problem - There's a box with a hole at each end and
there's a
rabbit in the box. The rabbit sticks his head out of the hole in one
end, and a minute later he sticks it out the other end. Half a minute
later, his head appears at the opposite end, a fourth of a minute later
it appears at the end opposite to that one, an eighth of a minute
later...etc., etc.
How long will it take before the rabbit sticks its head out of both ends of the box at the same time?
In theory, two minutes.
In practice, no answer is possible unless you split hares.
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A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.
He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
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Two men were ice fishing. As they were beginning to cut the
hole in the ice, one heard a voice coming from above, saying,
"There's no fish in there."
"Did you hear that?", he asked his companion. "Do you think that was God talking to us?"
Again, when he started to cut the hole in the ice, the same voice came down and said, "THERE'S NO FISH IN THERE."
By now, the two were visibly shaken. They both got on their knees and looked up. One said, "Is that You, Lord?"
The voice from above responded, "No, this is the rink manager. THERE'S NO FISH IN THERE!"
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A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender looks at the duck and says, "We don't have any grapes! We have vodka, whiskey, beer, wine but we don't have any grapes, so get outta here!"
The next day the duck is back. "Got any grapes?"
The bartender is irked. "Look, buddy, I told you before, we don't have any grapes, now beat it!"
Of course the duck comes back the next day, and he asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender is really tired of this, and he yells at the duck, "Look we don't have any grapes, we will never have any grapes, and if you come back here again I'm going to nail your beak to the bar! Get lost!"
The duck comes back the next day. He asks, "Got any nails?" When the bartender says no, he asks,
"Got any grapes?"
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- Did you hear about the man who got "twerpies" from his canary?
No, the sad part was that it was "untweetable!"
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Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
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What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?
Children don't eat broccoli.
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What does a snail say when it rides on a turtle's back?
WHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!
