Right now I live in one of the angriest towns in American: Fairbanks, Alaska. While people in the Lower 48 are posting pictures of their flowers, we wake up to snow again. And again. To the flower posters I say, Fuck you! Just when you think we might be heading toward Break Up here comes more snow. It was snowing when I went to bed last night at 2am, and it's still snowing at 10:30 as I type this. It's powder snow, so you can't make snowmen, or fun rude sculptures (Goldstream folks, you know what I mean). On the other hand, it's easy to brush off your car. On the other other hand, goddamnit, I'm so tired of brushing off my damn car!
In March I was ecstatic that we were entering a normal Break Up. I hadn't seen a "normal" March in at least 12 years. Climate change has made our weather completely unpredictable. Used to be, you could count on March to start all the melting and send us hurtling into Mud Season. If we were lucky March was gentle, and slow but relentless and we got to bypass Mud Season completely. Ah! The good old days!
This year March passed and April reverted back to January. Possibly December. Second Christmas, anyone?
The borough reminded us in April that we now need a burn permit to use our burn barrels. My burn barrel.
Here are some signs that Winter has been here way too fucking long:
- My dog yard has geological layers of ice, snow, birch sticks, and poop.
- My tiny 13lb fox terrier is so acclimated to snow and cold that she can now run around outside at -10F without booties.
- Same fox terrier has developed an addiction to eating ICE and hard snow chunks. This is a breed from the British Isles...
- When I come into the house, and stamp the snow off my boots, the terrier runs around EATING all the snow off the floor.
- My Norwegian Elkhound is getting tired of snow. The dog of the Vikings, the Norwegian Elkhound, is GETTING TIRED OF SNOW. No longer does she go outside and take her snuggle naps in the snowbanks. She goes out, barks at stuff, does her stuff and wants back in again. This is not normal at all!
- People who changed their tires in March are now sliding all over. Winter says to them, "Psych!" (Well, I do giggle a little.)
- I'm back to wearing my parka, mukluks, long underwear, hat, gloves, and layers. In March I could wear a hoodie and jeans!
- I feel intense anger when I look out the window and see it's snowing. In October, it's pretty. In April...see #8.
- I'm saying "fuck" a lot.
It's been too cold to take Blueberry, the elkhound, outside to brush off all her fluff. She's becoming a floofy Cloud Dog. I'm gonna die of Grey Lung! There's so much fur in here that Zuzu Bean, the terrier, eats it for fun! Headline: Unknown Woman Found Suffocated In Cabin, Police Use Vacuum To Identify Body.
How do we cope? Coffee. LOTS of coffee! There is a reason there is a coffee hut on practically every corner here. Also, we have the same number of pot shops. Just sayin'. It's not my coping mechanism but I'm glad it keeps some people from going postal! The number of pot shops is approximately equal to the number of Thai restaurants, so it's functioning ecosystem.
Coping also means making up stupid songs.
To the tune of Drunken Sailor:
What do you do with Alaskan Winter? What do you do with Alaskan Winter? What do you do with Alaskan Winter too late in the season? Way, hey, it won't go away, Way hey, it won't go away, Way hey, it won't go away, Let's go to Hawaii!
To quote a Talking Heads song, "I'm still waiting...I'm still waiting..."
