Inktrails from Alaska

We Are Good. We Want a Cookie.

 

How I Know It's Springtime in Alaska

Alaskans are justifiably cautious when declaring that Spring is here. When you've had snow for around nine months, you get that way. Even though we are seeing temperatures up to 50°F, and even though the snow is steadily decreasing, whether by melt or sublimation, there is a part in all of us that thinks, "You know, it could get cold again."

That's why each person has a way of adding up little signs that indicate that Spring is really here. One sign is nothing, but if you add them all up, then it might be the real deal.

1. I left a Vitamin Water in my car three nights running. It hasn't frozen yet.
2. I had to unplug my car cord, and plug in my freezer cord. (Like most Alaskans, my freezer is not in the house, so I don't have to turn it on except when it's warm outside.)
3. I have a front porch step instead of a snow ramp, and my doorway area is clear of snow!
4. The snow has already slid off the roof. (WHOOOOMP)
5. I really should take the snowfront off my car. (You block off the radiator from wind so your heater will work and you get better gas mileage.)
6. The dog poop is starting to show in the dog yard.
7. The dog HAIR is starting to show in the dog yard.
8. Costume for walking dogs keeps getting lighter. Today's was: Pajamas, boots without socks, hoodie. No hat, gloves in pocket. I really could have just used boots, but I like having pockets.
9. The owls are hooting!
10. I really detest my snowboots. I never want to see them again. It's time to switch to yaktraks on tennis shoes, unless the snow around the house is really squishy. Then it will be back on with the horrible boots.
11. I can see last year's foxtails. Damn it.
12. Last night I walked the dogs (yes, wearing pajamas, I'm all about comfort) at 10:30 and it was still blue above the trees, a darkish blue, but not pitch black! Summer, here we come!

If I don't miss my guess, a whole bunch of my Alaskan friends are now going to add to this list because I "forgot" one. Hey, it's not a comprehensive list, but I am interested to see what's on your list!

Have You Turned Alaskan?

There are ways you know you have turned Alaskan. For one thing, when the weather goes strange on you, it can be perturbing. For Fairbanksans, a winter where the temperature stays above zero most of the time creeps us out. It's not natural. It's just plain wrong. We have had perhaps five days total where it was -20, and nothing colder than that, here, in a place where you can expect at least a week or more of -40, and some weekends of -50 or more. Not this winter. The squirrels never hibernated, and the birches never dropped seed. Sure, it was nice to just stick boots and coat and hat and gloves but stay in my pajamas underneath when I went out to walk the dogs. But it was weird to do that all winter. Or should I say "winter."

So there is one sign of being an Alaskan: you go out in your pajamas to walk the dogs when it's 20 degrees out.

Being obsessed with weather is another Alaskan trait. Sure, people talk about the weather everywhere, but up here we can go on for hours.

I'm a real Alaskan because I can step outside with two dogs on a leashes, while wearing pajamas and boots (and no coat, maybe a hat, probably not) and plug my car in while they go pee. And not get all tangled up in leashes and plug-in cord! That last is the real accomplishment! While I'm out there I can tell the temperature by the way my plug-in cord behaves. Then I can check my outdoor thermometer to see if I am right. I'm always right.

Live here long enough and you'll become a Salmon Snob. Copper River Red salmon is, in my book, the most delicious of all, though I've been told king salmon is even better. I have not had the luck to taste a king, but you won't see me getting excited over a silver. When the Salmon Bake down at Alaskaland started using silvers, I was angry and insulted!

When it finally snowed after around two months of weird winter and no snow, it made me unreasonably super happy. I posted on Facebook and Twitter about how happy I was about the snow. Out of ten people I asked, nine replied that they felt the same way. Most people outside of Alaska would think we were all crazy that we loved it to snow in March. My dogs were certainly overjoyed!

A given: in your freezer you have salmon, halibut, and moose, all wild caught/hunted. Bonus points for caribou, grouse, and beaver tail. And I'm not a hunter. People are generous and share. It's what we do.

I have at least six coats, three of which I should donate or give away because they have so much dog hair in the lining that it's like an extra bunch of insulation. The two coats I use are several years old and the zippers have become contrary, and tend to unzip from the bottom if I don't do it just right. I spent three weeks fixing the zipper on my biggest, warmest down jacket by a combination of using various pliers and other implements to squeeze the zipper parts back into some semblance of usability. Nothing would work until I added duct tape to the bottom zip holder to keep it in the right place.

I need that jacket! It's a survival issue! Parkas cost at least $200 and putting in a new zipper costs at least that much. I've resolved to buy what I've wanted for years, a Canada Goose parka. I think they cost about $600 now. Unless we start having stupid winters all the time. Then I can wear layers of flannel/wool or my crappy-but-expensive Columbia jacket. You know that commercial where someone is dunked in ice water and then they get "warmed up" by putting on the Columbia jacket with the shiny lining? Total crap. That coat is only good down to about zero, if that. If you aren't warm already, there is no way it would warm you up. Oh, and the zipper on that one has gone south, too. Definitely time for a new coat.

Gear: you'll buy it, lots of it, boots and gloves and hats and scarves and balaclavas, snow pants, carhartt everything and yes, coats and jackets and you'll have serious opinions about them! You'll have Stuff I Wear On The Snow Machine, and Stuff I Wear For Work, and Stuff I Wear for Skiing (or skijoring), and then there is the Emergency Clothing box in the car.

Another way you'll know you are Alaskan is you'll have a tiny house with way too much stuff in it. Accept it. Zen is not going to work in Alaska. Did you SEE the list of clothing above?

There are lots of key things that Alaskans say or do or have, but this isn't meant to be a comprehensive list. Just a Sunday meandering on the fact that I never want to move away from Alaska. When I went to New Mexico to visit my kids, I had this strange urge to wear my snow boots on the plane. I should have done it. When I got there it started snowing, snowed almost three feet and we were snowed in for four days. How did I know?

 

Now You Can Buy Art Prints From Alaska

Announcing "Alaska Different Prints," a new site devoted to my art prints that aren't the usual big game fare. Oh sure, eventually there will be a moose or two, but I see beauty in some of the smallest things, and often in woman's Best Friend.

All prints are original work, printed on letter size heritage quality photo paper and mailed via Priority Mail. Realize that even Priority Mail takes five days to get to the Lower 48 from Alaska. I'll cease mailing orders from Dec 19 to Jan 30 to visit with my children, so the sooner, the better, if you want one. Cost is $40 and includes free shipping to anywhere in the USA. Folks in other countries will have to pay for the postage. If you are in Canada it won't be much more, other countries email me. (My email is on the site.)

Enjoy! Alaska Different Prints

My Thanksgiving Plans

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

My first item of the day was to put a coat, boots and gloves on over my pajamas and shovel snow until I could get into my car so I could haul the 40 lb bag of dog food in so that Ole and Sofia could eat. They were much appreciative of this effort and gave me wags and nose kissies.

Then, to wake up. One cup of dark coffee coupled with one scrumptions, goeey brownie. Check!

Awake at last, I checked in on Facebook, and realized that I really, really wanted to see the Doctor Who Christmas Carol episode because I love he floaty fish that fly in the air, plus Michael Gambon. Add Amy Pond and Rory Williams and I now have something fun to watch while I...

...do dishes. There aren't many dishes, except it's time to take the creepy, yucky pans out of the refrigerator and clean them out. If I I wrinkle my nose just right, maybe I won't suffer too much stinkiness.

After that I'll finish making some beef/sweet potato/caramalized onion/whatever else strikes my fancy soup. Of course it will have my iron fish in it for added blood strengthening. You don't know about the magic fishie? (Hmm, I sense a theme here.) In Canada there is a program where if you buy one iron fish, they will send another to a family in Cambodia. Anemia (which I have and must be vigilant about) is endemic to that country and the iron fishies are put in every soup to help alleviate this debilitating affliction.You can help a Cambodian family here: http://www.luckyironfish.com/

After I wash dishes and get the soup going, of course the dogs and I will go outside to play in the snow for a while. (I've been trying to teach Ole to write his name in the snow, but so far no luck.) Also possibly more snow shoveling. If I get really energetic I'll put the dogs in the house and get the loppers and cut down the silly, skinny spruce that keeps leaning over in front of the dog yard gate. I keep shaking it down so that it pops back up, but it's going to have to go.

Oh, and somewhere in there I go feed and water Bucky Bird and clean his cage, and give him treats. And sing chickeny opera to him.

I'll probably rest a little while, and then I'm making flan to bring to Thanksgiving dinner. At some point I'll walk next door and we'll have a nice dinner, and maybe watch a movie. I'm going to bring my DVD of A Christmas Story.

I hope you all have a fun holiday!

Waiting to Poop, Waiting to be Warm

Today, instead of doing the dishes, I'll tell you about how my life has become a waiting game.

Year before last Fairbanks didn't get to have a summer. It rained virtually all summer. This is the first time I found out that when it rains for 40 days and 40 nights, well, for about 90 days and 90 nights, give or take, the ground becomes so saturated that my septic tank fills up with water. When this happens the toilet tries to flush, but can't. The water will slowly drain, but until the ground dries out, there will be no productive and convenient flushing.

We just had two weeks (or more) of nonstop rain. Again. This has led to Fairbanks being the angriest town in Alaska. We had one week of Fall when we often have as much as three, but it was a lovely week. Pretty colors, nice temperatures (60s during the day) and heart-filling gorgeous blue skies.

And then came the damn rain. Temperatures no higher than 44. It seems like my outside thermometer is stuck, because it's always reading 40. Sometimes 36. But around in there.

Once again, my toilet won't flush. It's not backing up, and it's exactly like the "summer" before last when it rained for three months. No flushage possible. Therefore, no pooping. At least no pooping at home. This is...inconvenient.

Here's the thing: if I have it pumped, and the ground is saturated, then the septic tank might rise up out the the ground just like a very, very stinky submarine. All I can do is wait to see if my doughty little terlet will flush if we ever get enough dry days in a row! It should start to work again if things dry out. But if the tank does need pumping, I need to get it done before Freeze Up! Which could begin happening any time. But usually not fully until October. Still, the weather has gone wacko so who knows? All Alaskans know what it is like to play chicken with the weather. Sigh. Right now I have no choice. Oh, and the cost for pumping? About $400.

This time of year Alaskans are working like crazed beavers as they try to get everything stowed away from the oncoming Big Dark Winter. In just about every field of work that involves the outdoors, such as construction, dirt work, plumbing, and so on, people are frantically trying to get their jobs done, you know, the ones they put off doing all summer? It's near to impossible to build a driveway in the rain, I have that on good authority. So all those outdoor working guys and gals are pissed, and everyone else is pissed because we know it's going to be dark soon enough. Bad enough that it's dark when it's not dark!

It's been cold enough to have my Toyo on for some time. If you read the previous post, you know my Toyo went on strike and is now at the Place That Fixes Little Stoves. From what I can tell it needs a new circuit board. But they can't even look at it for almost two weeks from now. So I'm in house heater limbo before I'll even get a call from them. Circuit boards cost $250, labor for two hours is about $200. I expect at least a $450 bill to get it fixed. (New ones cost about $1500.)

Let's not even think about what three weeks of heating my house with an electric heater is going to cost. (Probably around another $400 or more). I told the Toyo fixer people that they should order their jobs by who has a wood stove and who doesn't. Makes sense to me but not to them, alas!

 I have to poop, and I have to be warm. So word to those who romanticize living in Alaska: you have to pay to be warm, and even more to be warm when you poop.

Adventure Woman and the Toyo Heater

Instead of doing the dishes, I'm going to tell you all about my Toyotomi Laser56 heater, and how mine is a blessing and a curse.

Before we even start, here's a picture. It's a small thing, but it heats my entire tiny house. Not only does it keep me warm at 50 below, but it doesn't smell, doesn't make any obnoxious noise (however it does sing special Toyo songs, more on that later), and it does all this on less than 500 gallons of heating oil a year. Yes, a year. Everyone should use these instead of boilers and forced air furnaces (which I like to call Horse Hair furnaces). Folks in the Lower 48 haven't even heard of these things. So if this is all new to you, listen up!

For all of these reasons, my Toyo heater is far more of a blessing than a curse. But because I have no backup method of heating (curse the people who redid this house, not me, *I* didn't take out the woodstove) when it goes on the fritz because it is 30 years old, it is always when I need heating. I have an "economical" electric heater that I use when this happens, but that's not really economical because Alaskans, especially in Fairbanks, pay more for electricity than just about anywhere in the known Universe. Why? Because our electric co-op makes electricity by burning oil. The worst thing you can do in Fairbanks is have all-electric heating.

So it's the end of Fall (all one week of it) and now it's 40° and raining. Which is okay, it's above zero. But I still need to heat the house because, well, even 40 above can get cold after a while. I turned on the trusty Toyo and it was working fine. This went on for several weeks and I thought, cool, we are good to go!

Then one night I woke up because I smelled hot wood. I searched my entire house for anything that might cause a fire, but couldn't find anything at all. Then I noticed my Toyo was showing an EE error. Uh oh. And no matter how many times I restarted it, or forced it to clean itself (it has a cleaning cycle to get the carbon gunk out) it kept shutting itself off.

So I called my friend Tundra Rose, who works on Toyos, and she said it could be a lot of things, probably an ignition error and I should either take it in for a full service or I could open it up and disconnect this particular pipe and clean it with a wire etc. etc.

Today I drank two cups of coffee, and went to open the front of the Toyo. Two screws hold the front on.

Law of the Universe #46: When you need a Phillips-head screwdriver, you must gather at least four straight screwdrivers first.

Law of the Universe #3: It's never as easy as it sounds.

Got the first screw on the right side of the machine just fine.

Take a look at the picture. See those stairs? They are just 1/4 inch too close to the heater for me to get the screwdriver in there.

Drank another cup of coffee.

I was worried I'd break the vent and fuel connectors if I pushed the heater too much, so I gently (yet firmly!) pushed and angled it so I could get the screwdriver in there and take out the screw. Success and not horrible smell of heating oil and no spreading puddle, no ominous cracking sound, so so far, so good.

Lifted the cover off and looked to see just HOW MUCH dog hair was in there.

Well, not much, it turns out! Even though I sweep up enough hair to knit a puppy a week!

Time to plug it in and run it through it's little Toyo paces. The fan went on immediately. Good, I guess the fan is working, I thought.

Then it started igniting and after a bit there was an orange glow in the fire pot. Then yellow flames, and finally a nice blue flame. That's great because igniters cost $200, which is ridiculous when you see how dinky a part that is.

So it heated up. And heated up. And heated up. And heated up some more and suddenly WHAM! I smelled the hot wood smell again! AHA! That poor heater went on getting hotter and hotter and shut itself off in shame.

Sad face.

But now I know what's wrong with it! The fan works, but just doesn't work at the right time. So off to the shop it goes for a wash and toenail clippings and anal gland squeezing--WAIT--wrong cute little thing. Whatever the equivalent is for a fancy, high-tech but elderly heater, that's what it will get at the Place Where They Care For Toyos.

Live Bear Cam at Brooks Falls, Alaska

There is still very little night here in Alaska, so you can tune in to this live bear cam and watch grizzlies fishing at Katmai National Park.

This is my favorite web cam, and my favorite way to see bears up close!

Explore.org Brooks Falls Bear Cam

Enjoy!

Cultural Dissonance in Fairbanks

While running errands the other day I dropped by the very small Wells Fargo on College Blvd. It's about the size of a single-wide trailer, though more square. Since it was 95°outside, I decided waiting in the lobby would be more comfortable than sitting in a hot car at the drive-through.

The room was packed with people who had apparently had the same idea. Not only were there people waiting in line for tellers, but also several groups of people waiting to see the people behind desks, too. There were so many people, in fact, that I had to ask who was in line and who wasn't. An elderly woman was sitting in a chair by the door and I didn't want to cut in front of her in case she was resting but still in line. There was a tall man in typical grungy Alaskan Man clothes, looking sweaty and uncomfortable and whose personal space seemed to require six feet from any other person. I suspect he didn't come into town very often. He looked alarmed when I asked if he was in line. If he'd been a car waiting at a stoplight, he would have had six car lengths between him and the car ahead of him. He moved up in line, closing some of that distance, but very, very reluctantly.

Enter the drunk lady. Native, short and spunky, and talk-yelling so that you just couldn't miss her, even if you didn't smell her first. However she wasn't a street person. She smelled like booze, though. The first thing she did was walk straight up to some people quietly chatting in Spanish and waiting to see the desk banker. She got right in their faces and yelled, "WHY DON'T YOU SPEAK ENGLISH? WHY DO YOU COME HERE AND NOT SPEAK ENGLISH! I SPEAK ENGLISH. ALL THESE DUMB IMMIGRANTS, COMING HERE AND THEY DON'T LEARN THE LANGUAGE!"

Mr. Bush Tall Guy turned, looked and turned his back. Drunk Lady came forward right behind me. I looked at them and mouthed "Lo siento!" They were startled, but looked glad at least someone said something to them. I was the only one to speak to them.

"SEE! I SPEAK ENGLISH! I CAN SPEAK MY LANGUAGE TOO!" at which point she said something in Athabascan just as loudly as everything else. I was about to say "I hope you said something nice," when she yelled. "I JUST SAID 'HURRY UP! THOSE GIRLS NEED TO HURRY UP! HURRY UP!"

At this point I wondered if she wanted them to hurry up because she was going to throw up. That was something I really didn't want to deal with. Also, I was shocked that the bank did nothing about her racist rant.

A man tried to, calm her. "Where are you from?" "MINTO!" "What's your name?" "MY NAME'S CHARLENE!" (At least I thought that's what she said, it could have been Charlotte, too.)

Drunk Lady was waving her bank card and crumpled check around and yelling, "HURRY UP! HURRY UP!" about every 30 seconds. I turned to her and said, "Do you think they like that? Don't you think that makes them feel bad?"

She stopped dead for a moment. Her face became solemn. Then she got her drunk jollity back for a minute and said, "OH, I am joking! THEY KNOW I'M JOKING WITH THEM! I ALWAYS JOKE WITH THEM!"

Funny thing though, because after that exchange she stopped yelling and all her grinning went away. She still had periodic outbursts but she quieted down a little.

When I got up to the teller, I told her that 1. I was concerned that the bank had done nothing for the Spanish-speaking family that had been verbally assaulted with hate speech, and that 2. cashing the check for Drunk Lady wasn't doing her a favor, as in her condition, she'd probably continue her bender. The teller asked if the rant had occurred in the lobby, or outside. I assured her it was IN the lobby, and that I thought someone from the bank should have escorted her out, and apologized to the family offended. She replied that they were so busy that no one noticed all this going on. Never mind I'd seen all four tellers heads jerk up every time Drunk Lady yelled "HURRY UP!" Plus, in the lobby, or on the sidewalk, all of that is Wells Fargo property.

It was quite disturbing. I shall be going back to that branch to talk to a manager about the entire episode. One other thing: it amazes me that there was only one man, and myself, who were unafraid to talk to her. She's probably a very  nice lady when she isn't on a bender. She wasn't a street person, she was just someone who messed up, bigtime! That doesn't mean there shouldn't be some consequences for her behavior, though.

The Turd Is Back!

Alaskans love their license plates. I think more people have personalized license plates here than anywhere else. One in particular, hasn't been seen since 1981: the bear license plate.

What is more Alaskan than a grizzly bear? It sure seems like a great idea to have a bear on our license plate. The bear license plate was first put out in 1975 and the design was changed in 1982. Recently the DMV reissued it and now you can get a bear license plate if you want. But be aware that this:

When viewed from afar and in traffic, looks like this:

And there you go, your bear is now a little turd on the back of your car.